that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
