I cannot find my penis.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
