if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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