i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
