i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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