I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
