so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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