I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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