How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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