you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
