I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
