bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
