yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
