Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
