Ambien. No doubt about it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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