matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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