i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
