i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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