dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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