My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
