I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
