he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
