I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
