In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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