he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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