I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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