Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
