Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
