i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he puts the penis in happiness.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
