It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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