Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
