I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
