No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
