I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
