Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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