I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
