i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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