Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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