this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
