Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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