yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
