you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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