I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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