im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
