Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
