she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone came in the potted fern
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
