watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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