you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
