Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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