I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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