I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
