i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
