masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
