he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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